Ever since I was introduced to the idea that music could affect our brains, I became fascinated by neuroscience.
And because of this, I’ve also been fascinated by neurodivergence.
Over the decades, I’ve consumed books, journal articles, videos and podcasts about the brain. About mental health, neurological diseases, and trauma.
Part of it was a benign preoccupation. But part of it was an underlying quest to understand myself.
My mental health has been a rollercoaster since my tweens.
I’ve had multiple unravellings that have landed me in a therapist’s chair or a doctor’s office. I’ve been on anti-depressants twice.
But my neurodivergent journey has taken decades. And most of it has been a slow dawning of my own realisation.
The dawning of HSP
When I was 28, I stumbled across a Facebook article called ‘Could you be a Highly Sensitive Person?’
As soon as I read it I knew. That’s me. I’m an HSP.
I ticked every box. Easily overstimulated - big tick. Emotional sensitivity - tick. Avoid violent movies - tick. Deeply moved by the arts - tick tick tick!
Understanding sensory sensitivity helped me understand myself. It explained so much about my nervous system and how I existed in the world.
This realisation helped me take care of myself better and navigate life with a little more grace.
The dawning of c-PTSD
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19. But my counsellor believed I had probably been depressed since I was 12.
My panic attacks, anxiety and depression were originally thought to be because of bullying.
But in the last few years, I’ve learned more about trauma and its impact on the brain/nervous system.
It became clear that my poor mental health was actually a result of complex trauma.
So, I went back to therapy for EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitisation & Reprocessing). It was incredibly healing, especially for some really significant events.
Trauma-informed therapy helped me feel more stable and secure than I had in a very long time.
The dawning of migraine
A few years ago, I clearly hit perimenopause. And it’s absolutely kicked my ass. The migraine headaches that I used to have a few times a year, started occurring a few times a month.
Drained by pain and fatigue for days at a time, I was feeling increasingly despondent. Until I learned more about migraine disease from Instagram.
Thankfully I had stumbled across legitimate accounts from scientists and people with lived experience of migraine.
I learned it’s a complex neurological disease more akin to epilepsy than headaches. And so I went to a neurologist for the first time ever.
Now I’m being treated with preventative medication and my migraine attacks are less frequent and less severe.
The dawning of ‘something else is wrong but I don’t know what’
So, I knew I was a highly sensitive traumatised person with migraine.
I had learned so much about myself in the last few years. I felt more equipped than ever to take care of myself.
So why was I still struggling?
I was battling brain fog, intermittent energy and immense ennui.
I felt like I was wasting my days but I couldn’t be bothered getting anything done. I’m ashamed to admit how often I was gaming or scrolling. Hours and hours at a time. For days on end. My creative output slowed to almost nothing.
I blamed my environment. “I need a room of my own”.
I blamed migraine. “The brain fog & low energy is probably just a migraine symptom.”
I blamed trauma. “Procrastination is a trauma response.”
But something else was nagging at me.
My partner and I had shifted rooms so I had my own space to create. I was treating the migraine. I’d done the work in therapy.
What more was I supposed to do?!
Finally, after a bad flu, I broke down crying to my partner.
“I feel like I’m wasting my potential”, I wailed. Hugging me he replied “I know. Something has to change.”
“What’s wrong with me?” I begged. “I don’t know”, he replied. “But we’ll figure it out together”.
The dawning of ‘maybe it’s autism’
There were whispers on the internet that HSP is not a real diagnosis but in fact autism in women.
So down the rabbit hole I went, researching how autism presents in women. I read articles, blogs, and forums. I watched videos of autistic creators discussing their lived experience.
And I knew I had sensory sensitivities, that much was clear. But so many of the other symptoms just didn’t resonate for me.
I didn’t need to force eye contact or mimic other’s behaviour. I feel like I understood social cues. Change didn’t bother me. In fact, I love spontaneity.
The more I listened to the lived experiences of women with autism, the more I knew I wasn’t autistic.
I was a loud, brash, explosive kid who was also unbelievably forgetful. I was in equal parts a hothead and a space cadet. And to be fair? Not much had changed in my adult life…
Although I was highly sensitive, I knew I wasn’t autistic. There was still a puzzle piece missing.
The dawning of ADHD
Like many people, I noticed the uptick of info about ADHD on social media.
I was smart enough to know social media doesn’t equal a diagnosis. But I also knew how much social media had helped me learn about trauma and migraine.
The funny thing was, because of my fascination with neurodivergence, I had already been following How To ADHD on YouTube for years.
And yet I had rationalised away every single one of my symptoms.
“Yeah I had a hobby graveyard but I stopped doing those things for real reasons, not boredom.”
“No, I don’t have object constancy problems. I never lose my keys, I always put them in the same location.”
“Yeah, I daydreamed a lot as a kid. Yeah, I got into trouble for losing things all the time. Yeah, I got told I was smart if I could just pay attention more. Yeah, I got told I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on straight. Yeah, I got told I could do anything if I just put my mind to it. But it was probably just because I was bullied.”
“Besides, I’m not forgetful now. I never forget an appointment because I put multiple reminders in 3 different locations. No, I don’t run late because I’m terrified of getting into trouble so I make every effort possible to be early.”
What I didn’t know? Was this overcompensating is ADHD.
All I knew was that I wanted to stop procrastinating and start creating again. I wanted to stop languishing and feel inspired again.
So I googled videos about overcoming procrastination. I came across Dr. Tracey Marks. She had an amazing video about why people with ADHD procrastinate.
Oof, it hit hard. But there was still some doubt.
And of course, my novelty-seeking interest-motivated brain couldn’t stop there. So I watched more of her videos.
There was so much that resonated. Especially the one about ADHD in adults. But there was one symptom that hit me like a brick.
Finishing other people’s sentences.
I don’t know why but that was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
“Ohmygod maybe I DO have ADHD…”
The final realisation of ADHD
Okay, so I started to have an inkling that maybe ADHD explained a lot of my symptoms. From childhood to now.
But I knew social media information wasn’t enough. I had to dig deeper.
I spoke to two friends about their experience of being formally diagnosed as adults. We shared so much in common.
I went into the rabbit hole of neuroscience nerd-ery. I started watching hour-long presentations by prominent psychiatrists about the neurobiology of ADHD. I started following ADHDers online. I read scholarly articles and took quizzes.
In particular, there was a quiz specifically crafted by psychologists who treat girls and women with ADHD. It was 5 pages long. And I scored off the chart.
I showed my partner. “Holy shit you totally have ADHD”, he cried.
So now what?
Do I spend more money on therapists to get diagnosed? Do I sit on a waiting list for months? Do I need medication?
I wrestled with these questions for weeks.
I went through the obligatory self-doubt phase. “Maybe it isn’t ADHD. Maybe I’m just resonating with all the information because it’s everywhere right now. Maybe I’ve tricked myself into thinking I have it”.
I went through the obligatory grief phase. I cried every day for a week once I realised how disabling my condition had been my whole life. Grieving for the wrongly internalised idea that I was lazy, broken and dumb.
And finally, I decided to simply live my life as though I had been formally diagnosed. I would skip medication for now and simply try to treat my ADHD naturally.
And guess what?
Every single tip, trick, supplement and hack changed my life.
It turns out that all the things that help people with ADHD also magically help me.
I’ve been ADHD this whole time.
I don’t need an expert to tell me what I already know about myself. I know I’m a Highly Sensitive Person. I know I have migraine. I know I have ADHD.
I don’t need to access more support (for now) so I’m able to treat myself successfully so far. Things may change in the future.
But for now, I’m self-diagnosed ADHD and thriving more and more each day.
All i can say is.... YESSS!
Unsurprisingly, so many of my friends are figuring out their own neurodivergence (including my sister) and it's like, NO WONDER WE WERE DRAWN TO EACH OTHER. 🙌
I am so happy for you that you were able to identify each of these things in yourself! I strongly believe a lot of people can come to know what they have without a "proper" diagnosis with enough introspection and reflection. Plus as long as we can find ways that help us, does the label even really matter? Other than to help guide us.
Reading this you just opened my eyes to the possibility that I might be HSP. Similar to you, I've always read it's part of autism but I didn't identify with any of the other autistic symptoms. But basically every single HSP thing I check off haha. It's actually super comforting to finally see it put out in words like that, I just always felt so off from the norm in that way but this helps SO MUCH.